I feel like it’s cheating. Or maybe a lie. I can’t quite figure it out.
I’m recreating myself. Or am I uncovering my old self? I believe it’s the latter. I haven’t changed really. At least, not on the inside. There were a few years where I changed myself on the outside for someone else to avoid being judged or criticized every day. But times have changed, my relationship has changed. I am free from past burdens and yet I still haven’t been able to be myself.
This past Spring was rough. I went through weeks of depression, in tears fairly regularly about how I didn’t feel right. I know it’s not my relationship this time. I know that he supports and encourages me to be myself. I know this because of our history. I know it’s not him. It’s me. I suppose I haven’t quite managed to find my release button.
But enough of the sad-sack storytelling about how I’m depressed and my life is shit. No emo-ing here. Not today.
My life isn’t shit. There are issues here and there as there are with anyone, but it’s actually not that bad. I know you don’t really want to hear about it, either. I’m trying to stay on track.
My track today, is that I want to share publicly (despite what little public will read this), that I’m going to try to restart my art-making career. I think that’s a huge puzzle piece to my journey in recovering myself.
I have been spending a lot of time recently checking out VolpinProps, BlindSquirrel Props, and other similar sites. I’ve gone to the Kidrobot store in NYC and see what other artists have done with vinyl toys and figures. I’ve been inspired. I watch my former classmates create things and post on facebook and I truly miss all of that fun.
A recent Tarot reading (it was only for fun but this woman was amazingly on point) just reinforced my ideas and feelings. The cards knew I wasn’t where I belong and it’s time to address that.
I’m going to start sculpting again, I want to make masks, props, heck I’ll even throw in some other artwork as well which I will use to try to earn a few pennies as I sell on RedBubble (nothing there yet, of course.) I always worked better with my hands, and I think that I need to get back to that. This digital stuff just isn’t for me. Maybe if I’m riddled with arthritis in the future, but by then I will likely be able to sculpt with mind-control. I have ideas of sculptures, and masquerade masks already. I just need to park myself and do it. I haven’t yet decided on what kind of prop I want to be my first. I’m not really saying all this for you, but really for myself. I need to say I’m going to do something, and hopefully I’ll actually follow through. I really don’t want this to be yet another broken promise to myself.